Of Platters & Pomposity



About a year after we first opened Le Canard, we had two ladies consulting us on a possible function. One was considerably older than the other, but both were dressed to the nines, and, to put it politely, they had their noses somewhat in the air. They entered, looked around a little disdainfully, and queried "Who do we speak to about a reservation?" I asked "Can I possibly help you?" At that stage I was a little frightened  to let them loose with Hans Frieser, our Maitre d', since he might have been inclined to tell them they looked like flowers, and, when they beamed at him, would have said "Cauliflowers"which came to mind when I looked at them!

It transpired that their husbands, and I presume they themselves, were members of what was then the prestigeous global institution called the "Young Presidents' Organization" (YPO), and they wanted to book a dinner for their next presentation. They asked me whether I understood that this was "a very, very, very upmarket organisation" and that they wanted only the best. The older of the two ladies did most of the talking, and the younger one appeared slightly intimidated. I was told their names, which I won't mention here, since I am sure they are still floating around somewhere on another planet!  They certainly were "floating" in the restaurant!

Anyway, I sat them down, and Hans came to offer the ladies something to drink, then promptly disappeared after serving it. I asked what their needs were, and they stressed that it had to be very "upmarket" and very special, and that I had to cater to the tastes of the YPO members. Realising the kind of people they were, I suggested that possibly a smoked salmon starter would be the best thing, and, since we were already specialising in duck, I recommended the choice of duck and grilled sole as a main course. They looked at each other and then at me, and since I was at the time relatively unscathed by nature, I smiled charmingly and said that it would be nice to hear from them, but that it was obviously their choice as to where they would like to hold their YPO dinner.

In due course I received a phone call from the younger of the two ladies, who was obviously the "lady-in-waiting." She said that her partner-in-crime thought that we would be "adequate," and so I decided that we would attempt to be more than "adequate"! We placed them in our private room, which can be closed off so that nobody can listen in to conversations, and I had arranged the most beautiful flowers and thought everything was 100%. However, the first calamity we encountered involved a lovely young waitress named Edna, who was a final year medical student. One of the other staff came to me and said that Edna was sitting crying in the lavatory. I went to see what the problem was and she exclaimed "I can't stand this any more! I can't stand it!" I asked "Sweetheart, what can't you stand?" She replied "That woman at that table in that room is busy picking flowers out of the vase and throwing them on the floor, and when she throws them on the floor she expects me to pick them up, and I don't know where to put them because they're beautiful flowers, and I just don't know what she means....!" So I said "well, I'll go and find out what the problem is."

So I went to the private room and said to the lady "It would appear you do not like the decorations we put on your table," and she retorted "I simply can't stand these flowers. They stink! Do you understand me? They stink!" Now that was an aromatic arrangement of roses and tuberoses, and it was the latter flower she was throwing on the floor. So I said "Let's take it off your table" and she responded "Wonderful idea!" I went back to the lavatory and said to the distressed waitress "Edna, fine, we have removed the stinking tuberoses!" Her tears turned to laughter, and we both fell about laughing about the lady who did not like the perfume of tuberoses.

That was the first problem of the day. The second arose that evening when we proceeded to serve the YPO's. There were four tables with ten people at each table. Hans, my Maitre d' at the time, had chosen to serve the table nearest the door first. He was possibly thinking those seated nearest the door might be the most important. We never found out why, but he served that table first. As the waiters concluded putting down the tenth dish, a gentleman at one of the other tables came charging out. He dashed straight passed Hans, and came to me exclaiming "I wont' have this! I definitely will not have this!"

Incidentally, the "Young Presidents" became the CEOs of large, influential companies, hence the said gentleman will remain unnamed since he is still floating around Johannesburg as a "big shot"! At the time I responded to him saying "I'm so sorry, but what is your problem?" Pointing at the table which had been served, he said "They've got their food and they're eating, and I haven't got my food yet!" Up popped Hans the Maitre d' who interjected saying "Well sir, you must know there is allways the first and the last!" And what did my dear Hans do? He made sure that this gentleman's table was served the last.

That was my second problem of the day. Nevertheless, everybody seemed to have had a good time. They enjoyed their food. One or two wanted more smoked salmon, and, by the nature of the people that were present, I put on an enormously generous portion of salmon. When they asked for more I told the Maitre d' "Hans be a good child, just go and give them more," and everybody seemed to have approved the food and the service they were given. So that function ended perfectly.

A while later I got the booking for the next YPO dinner, so I was now really concerned! In the interim between the first function and the booking for the second, I said to Hans "there is no way that will ever happen to me again! I will never again use tuberoses. Maybe they are beautifully perfumed for you and me and for millions of others, but maybe we'll find the odd sod who doesn't like perfumed flowers." Hans replied "You won't put on silk flowers, and you won't put on artificial flowers," and I responded "Definitely not! We'll have to think of unperfumed flowers," which we subsequently supplied to many, many dinners thereafter. I also added "Hans the other thing that will never happen again, is a mister so-and-so jumping up and down saying 'they were served before me!' I will make sure that everyone of these YPO's is served at the same time." Hans with his formal training at his Berlin butler school, and all his past experience at the Carlton Hotel in Johannesburg, said "There is no way you can do that. There will always be a first, and there will always be a last." I said "I'm going to work out a plan, and they will all eat together."

That, dear readers, is how I came to have platters. The pomposity one can understand, and we had lots of that at the previous function.....the lady who chose to throw flowers on the floor, when the simplest thing would have been to say to the young waitress "Please would you mind removing these. They're giving me hay fever." The gentleman who hadn't yet been served could have waited his turn. Surely he hadn't anticipated his wonderful dinner so much that he didn't have lunch? So I had to devise a plan. I had previously seen in Chinese restaurants what are called "Lazy Susans," and I purchased four of those. I also found dishes that would fit on a "Lazy Susan," on which I placed around eight different items of food. As expected there were, amongst others, lots of salmon. I also had enough waiters. I had to first put the "Lady Susans" on the tables with "unperfumed" flowers, then I had two waiters per table putting down two dishes per table simultaneously. I had rehearsed this with the waiters prior to the YPO dinner, and hence had the waiters simultaneously putting down two dishes at a time on each table until the "Lady Susans" were filled. The last item placed was the centre piece, which was an enormous arrangement of salad and a crown of prawns. So they were all served together and mister "so-and-so" who was there for the second YPO dinner, couldn't "jump up" from his chair to complain about being served last, and I must add, neither did he "jump up" to say "thank you." That is how we at Le Canard learned of "pomposity," and I learned of "platters" for which we have subsequently become very well known. We never call them "Lady Susans".....God forbid! We call them "Platters"!

Freda